Manic writer

Are you a manic writer?

This isn’t to condemn or poke fun at someone that suffers with manic episodes.  As I encounter my own struggles with depression and anxiety I find that up and down is a perfect way to describe my life.  A roller coaster that kicks me off and pulls me back on with no direction or routine.

I go through these phases where I’m so enthused at the idea of writing. I take on any writing job that comes my way and happily punch away at my keyboard enticing readers in.

Then there’s these phases where the mere idea of writing causes my brain to freeze, and all creativity is sucked out on the dark horse it rode in on.

Since I was a little girl I loved to write.

I wrote my first book about an ostrich when I was maybe 8.

Writing is my outlet. But then there’s these phases where life is too crazy. My brain is too foggy that I can’t seem to find the energy to write anything but my reminders on a sticky note.

I’m simply a manic writer. Up and down. No in between.

Any project I take on I dive in.

All in.

It’s all or nothing. Then it seems a few weeks pass and I’m onto the next. But I always come back to writing.

And when I do. I’m reminded of how great it feels to jot down some thoughts.

Happy Wednesday.

Danielle

 

Sensory benefits and struggles of gardening

I decided to get some new plants for my yard today. Usually planting gives me a peaceful feeling. The kids love it and I think it teaches them some important pieces to life. Not to mention the sensory input it provides.

Nevada’s high winds and hellish soil can make it quite the experience. My own sensory quirks made it a tad bit annoying today when things weren’t going as perfectly as I’d like.

My youngest loves to plant. Each plant she calls a “bible”. I have started my biblical garden adding plants and herbs found in the Bible. It will take some time but it’s something I love and can’t wait to one day finish.

Hyssop has an earthy mint smell that I just love.

We found some anemone but need to find a partially shady space for it before I add it.

HB calls it the Jesus flower. Referred to as the wild lilies in the Bible.

Love my sensory seeker. She loves getting her hands and feet all up in the dirt.

I love that it’s a family affair. Teaching them about gardening. Sharing the importance of flowers and herbs with them.

My sensory avoider doesn’t do messy. He’s a tad like me.

But even he couldn’t resist getting his toes all in.

Gardening gives kids with sensory challenges such great input.

It provides grounding. (Yes we garden barefoot)

I will say I was a tad bit agitated the wind was driving me insane. My things were blowing away faster than I could plant them. But welcome to Nevada.

I plant mums every year. They were the flowers at my wedding. So I just love them a little extra. And they scream fall.

I found this beautiful hibiscus tree to add to the walkway that will be stunning year round once I can dig through the soil from hell.

Todays planting extravaganza did not go as I had planned. Simple as that. But I do love all the new beauty around us and I’m guessing the kids sensory needs were met so they should sleep soundly with a little copaiba after an afternoon of fresh air and a lot of dirt.

Danielle

Suffocation

Have you ever had a dream where you are suffocating?

Only to wake gasping for air. Realizing you have been holding your breath in your sleep?

That’s how depression and anxiety feel for me.

Like I’m suffocating. Those around me stealing my breath. Until there’s no breath left and I’m left to either scream or claw my way out. Demanding my own breath back.

Depression and anxiety are ugly. But with my depression and anxiety comes a compassion and a need to help others. It’s a slippery slope and one I’m working on boundaries with.

The more I give of myself the less I have left of me.

When you are sliding down the black of hole depression what helps pull you back to the surface?

Is it friendship? A spouse? An addiction?

I have a depression toolbox that I use. No one thing works each time.

For me first accepting that this is how I feel in this moment is where I start.

Then I start grabbing shit from toolbox maybe its a joint, a bible verse, an essential oil. Maybe it’s running in the middle of nowhere. Maybe it’s crying for a solid hour before I get my life back together and move on.

Depression is tricky. And I used to mask it with a prescription medication. But all it did was prolong the suffering.

Now I give it to God. I use my toolkit. I allow myself to feel this way because it’s a valid feeling. Depression and anxiety will suffocate you if you allow them to. It’s a daily struggle.

One that can’t be cured with a tiny little pill. I don’t know that there truly is a cure. I think as time goes on at least for me I have learned to acknowledge my feelings. Allow myself to be depressed over a certain situation. But not for long. Then I move on.

Depression doesn’t define me. It’s just a piece to my life, and small hiccup in my makeup. Life has humbled me, but it’s also broken my heart so many times that it makes sense that I suffer from depression and anxiety.

Do you find that your depression comes and goes? Is it a daily struggle?

Fuera

My incredibly intelligent brother is owner of an app called Fuera.

As my new fix yourself mission I decided to incorporate running into my routine.

I’ve always been a weight lifting yoga kind of girl but needed a change. I’ve always hated running. And give up pretty easily.

But today I sucked it up. Put on my big girl running shoes and headed out to the desert for a trail run using Fuera.

What is Fuera?

In simple terms it’s a running app. But in reality it’s got some pretty awesome features and simple terms doesn’t do it justice.

Creating a running community for all stages of your running journey.

I’ll go ahead and categorize myself as an extreme beginner, pulls over to die about 5 times. Possibly dry heaves then moves on.

So if and when I’m ready to find others that have similar paces. I’ll be scouting Fuera first.

But it tracks your pace and distance with such ease and no annoying notifications during your run.

It allows you to create a run and invite your friends.

Fuera costs $0 to download. For the frugal such as myself.

It adds an accountability and a reward at least for me. Being able to see my pace and distance at the end gives me motivation for my next run.

You should download it and you should spread the word just saying. My little brothers biggest fan here.

https://fuera.io

When I was ankle deep in loose desert sand sucking wind hard I felt my body actually coming alive. Despite the feeling that my lungs were going to start bleeding at any given moment. I ran on. And walked some. I spent a solid 15 minutes dry heaving. I’m not a morning person and I’m not a runner naturally.

It’s been a long time since I’ve headed out into natures beauty and just ran.

The thing about running is all my struggles are temporarily gone.

With each step I felt a feeling of empowerment. Surrounded by the beauty of the sierra mountains and high desert I finally felt alive again.

The numb feeling that depression brings for me was momentarily gone.

Fuera kept me on track. Gave me motivation to keep running. I told myself I wouldn’t check my pace until I was finished.

I’m not a runner. I’ll have to train hard to become one. But I just love Fuera, the running community it brings and the accountability it gives me.

If you are looking for a user friendly running app I’d encourage you to download Fuera. Plan a run with some friends or even just hold yourself accountable to a new healthy lifestyle.

Danielle

Faith

I’ve been feeling defeated today. I could feel my depression seeping in like an ugly black hole. I won’t share every hardship of my day. But just when I felt like I couldn’t take anymore that life had to throw at me today I started to see the 7 beautifully clear messages from God. I just wasn’t listening at first. And there at my lowest point my eyes were opened.

A bible verse to start my morning off. (That initially if I’m being honest irritated me because of my self loathing depressive morning mood)

Sibling love.

A phone call I’ve been needing.

Money.

Friendship.

Compassion.

And this little love note in the stormy skies from the greatest artist around.

God is always around. Do you see the heart? God has a way of leaving me these little heart shaped loved notes in all places of my life.

Meet my pride and joy a hen covered in heart shapes.

He knows what we can handle.

He knows what we need.

And he will forever be my favorite artist of all time.

God is good.

Religion is sometimes misguided. Today I received the bitter slap that religion can offer.

I need to remember to keep faith on days that life is truly unbearable.

And remember that a faith in God doesn’t mean a belief in religion.

God strategically places people in your lives for a reason. The good and the bad.

Danielle

The effects of anxiety on our bodies

No one likes to talk about poop or stomach issues.

But the reality is people poop. And some people have some struggles. Just saying.

Anxiety, stress, depression can wreak havoc on the body.

I’ll be completely transparent when I say raising two kids on the spectrum has caused me a lot of tummy issues.

Sleepless nights, meltdowns, repetitive noise behaviors seem to cripple my stomach.

Some days I feel as if I’m holding my breath all day. Not quite sure how to grasp a hold on the days challenges and moods.

This feeling of holding my breath and internally stifling the anxiety my body is under has destroyed my body internally.

I’m not blaming my kids for their behaviors. Or Autism for that matter.

But it is hard. Being a mama of kids on the spectrum. It’s a hard balance to reach. Sleepless nights don’t mean I get a break for the day. Out of control meltdowns add more anxiety. I do my very best to keep my own struggles to myself so not to reflect back on the kids.

But internally it has wreaked havoc on me.

I’ve spent multiple hours in the emergency room for unbearable stomach pain. A compliment of my own anxiety from the struggles I face raising two kids on the spectrum.

This isn’t a blame game. More of a confession of a mama that struggles daily with trying to be a good mama to her kids.

Moms make sacrifices. And I think moms with kids with challenges make more sacrifices.

Then there’s the fact that it’s hard to find support and people who truly understand the struggles because let’s be real each person with autism has their own unique struggles and strengths. So it’s hard to find someone who can relate to what you experience. Because of course everyone is different.

I’ve found myself struggling with my own health in all this autism business. And sometimes I realize my own struggles tend to have some spectrumy behaviors as well.

I read recently about a capsule with peppermint oil, and ginger can help ease the pain and discomfort associated with IBS.

So this week I’ve mixed up some potions in capsules and will try them for a few weeks before I can support or discredit this potion.

Praying it works. Praying I can learn to condition my own response to the days that can seem so out of control.

I truly hate anxiety. I hate that is has such a crippling effect on my body. And I hate that I haven’t been able to find a way to truly cope other than stifling my own struggles.

Do you find your anxiety leads to tummy issues? And how do you combat it?

From Slug to Motivated -A moms simple tips to get moving and motivated for the day

Some days I wake up so tired and have a hard time getting moving.  This isn’t just I didn’t sleep well tired, it’s I’m so life tired that the task of even getting up to brush my teeth seems impossible.

But then the mom guilt kicks in and I get up.  Stumbling my way through the next 3 to 4 hours hoping something I eat or drink will get me moving.

But awhile back I woke up sick of this feeling of constant exhaustion.

So I decided to take note.  And make some changes to the start of my day.  After all the only person that can truly change this is me.  Don’t look to your husband to make you happy or just your kids.  I wonder if you jotted down what makes you happy did you include yourself?  I know it didn’t even cross my mind.

I gave myself 1 minute to write down things that have been stressing me out.

  • money
  • student loans
  • keeping the house clean
  • procrastinating on shit I don’t want to do
  • Needing a new car
  • missing out on my purpose in life even though I don’t know what the hell it is supposed to be.

Then I prayed about each one.  And continued to throughout the day.  It’s a way for me to let go and just let someone else take my worries for a while.

Then I jotted down the things that make me happy

  • the kids, and MJE (as long as we aren’t stressed to the max over bullet number 1)
  • my family
  • the farm of animals we have
  • building wooden things
  • being outside
  • and my girlfriends.  Without them I’d be lonely and I enjoy our daily chatter, MJE wouldn’t care to here about the latest and greatest on the group text chat.  We may only get together once a year or never at all.  Group text-the modern day penpal. But I love having a little circle that gets lifes ups and downs with you.

Anyways, I prayed over all these things that make me happy in my life.

Then I made myself move.  But I started with a quick little jot of things that need to be done and things I would like to accomplish for the day.

Then I mixed up the following potion in the diffuser:

5 drops Peppermint

5 drops tangerine

3 drops valor

3 drops frankincense

I take a powergize supplement twice a day from Young Living.  SO far I’m really liking it.  One odd thing I feel like I get from it is a heat to my body but it gets me moving so no complaints.

Then I spend 30 minutes to an hour cleaning and tidying.  (I give myself a little room to cut it short or prolong the cleaning because I have some OCD tendencies)

In my schedule I include an entire hour and a half to do what I want in the afternoon after school.  The kids are to the age now where I can stick them in front of tv or give them some books so that I can have an hour and a half to recharge.  (It won’t kill them to be in their rooms quietly for an hour and a half something I have to keep reminding myself of)

I include yoga on my schedule..  Daily.  Our bedroom has become my yoga sanctuary.

I started small on the first day from slug to motivated.  And with each passing day I’ve felt more relaxed, more motivated.  It’s not an overnight cure, but a daily challenge.  Not to mention my house is much cleaner with my designated cleaning in the mornings.  Less clutter, more cleanliness instantly helps ease my anxiety.

I think challenging ourselves daily is really the only way we can grow.

I think moms get lost sometimes.  I think we lose ourselves in pleasing our families catering to demands from all different angles.

I know I’ve forgotten about myself lately.

My list will be different from yours of course, but if you are feeling sluggish, hard to get motivated maybe you will find comfort in not being alone.  Maybe a few things I try daily will help you combat the morning slug!

Thanks for reading!