Suffocation

Have you ever had a dream where you are suffocating?

Only to wake gasping for air. Realizing you have been holding your breath in your sleep?

That’s how depression and anxiety feel for me.

Like I’m suffocating. Those around me stealing my breath. Until there’s no breath left and I’m left to either scream or claw my way out. Demanding my own breath back.

Depression and anxiety are ugly. But with my depression and anxiety comes a compassion and a need to help others. It’s a slippery slope and one I’m working on boundaries with.

The more I give of myself the less I have left of me.

When you are sliding down the black of hole depression what helps pull you back to the surface?

Is it friendship? A spouse? An addiction?

I have a depression toolbox that I use. No one thing works each time.

For me first accepting that this is how I feel in this moment is where I start.

Then I start grabbing shit from toolbox maybe its a joint, a bible verse, an essential oil. Maybe it’s running in the middle of nowhere. Maybe it’s crying for a solid hour before I get my life back together and move on.

Depression is tricky. And I used to mask it with a prescription medication. But all it did was prolong the suffering.

Now I give it to God. I use my toolkit. I allow myself to feel this way because it’s a valid feeling. Depression and anxiety will suffocate you if you allow them to. It’s a daily struggle.

One that can’t be cured with a tiny little pill. I don’t know that there truly is a cure. I think as time goes on at least for me I have learned to acknowledge my feelings. Allow myself to be depressed over a certain situation. But not for long. Then I move on.

Depression doesn’t define me. It’s just a piece to my life, and small hiccup in my makeup. Life has humbled me, but it’s also broken my heart so many times that it makes sense that I suffer from depression and anxiety.

Do you find that your depression comes and goes? Is it a daily struggle?

To my beautiful blue-eyed baby girl

As I was sifting through old blog posts I’ve written.  I came across this post from two years ago the night before my daughter received a hefty Autism diagnosis.  It brought me to tears.

I remember writing this.  I remember all the unknowns we faced as a family.

I remember feeling completely overwhelmed by all the assessment forms and endless doctors appointments we faced as a family.  And I remember this gut feeling that they were just wrong in the way they viewed Autism.  Special needs or not she was and still is my baby and I will encourage her to succeed in life no matter what hiccups we may face along the way.

But as I read through it.  I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed with gratitude for the journey that God has put us on.  All the growth I’ve made as a Mama.  All the growth my beautiful blue-eyed baby girl has made.

If you are facing an impending diagnosis, or maybe you’ve just received a diagnosis.  Or maybe it’s been a day full of Autism quirks and you are just overwhelmed.  Things will look up, everything will be okay.  Don’t let the Doctors convince you that your child is less.  They are not.  You’ve been given a different lens to view life.

I’ve always hated using the term special needs.  I feel like somehow that makes Autism seem like something negative, and I’ve always viewed my kids as earth angels.  Sent here to teach me and this world a different way to view the world.

It’s a blessing.

To my beautiful, blue-eyed, baby girl.

I loved you the moment I found out I was pregnant with you. You were the most beautiful surprise and you continue to amaze me and surprise me with each passing day.

Tomorrow is a big day for you baby girl, but remember, tomorrow does not define you baby girl.

God has a plan for you baby girl. And we’re in this together.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart.” Jeremiah 1:5

God has a special plan for you that only He can see right now.

I’m scared for tomorrow, I’m scared for the unknown, I’m scared to think that you may struggle in your life. But I know why he chose you baby girl, you are strong, and kind, and beautiful. I may think you are fearless at times, but you are brave. You are so brave. I know why he chose me too. Because as much as I find myself in tears lately sweet girl, I know that this uncomfortable feeling, this ache that takes over my entire being is because I’m growing. I’m growing right alongside you sweet girl. I’m growing into the mommy you need me to be.

These are growing pains. We are in this together. We will grow together.

I don’t think for a minute this is going to be easy. It’s going to be hard at times. It’s going to bring me to my knees sometimes. But it’s going to be beautiful. It’s going to be absolutely beautiful to watch you progress, to receive the care you need, to be the person God wants you to be.

I don’t know what tomorrow brings for you, for me as your mom, or for our family, but I do know that we love you to the moon and back. That whatever comes of your assessment tomorrow, or your hearing test in a few weeks you are exactly as God wants you to be.


Tomorrow will not define you. Tomorrow is a merely a compass to guide you into becoming the person God meant you to be.
I love you always.

Mama